Los Angeles, CA. - Stan Burkhalter, organizer of the local bowling league, has announced that he has had enough.

"Every year it is something different. Mexican pederasts, pacifists, stoners, and some crazy fucker pulling his piece out during league play. Well I'm tired of it." said Burkhalter. "I try my best to organize a good league for everyone but no one respects me."

Burkhalter went on to say "Take a look at this year. Right in middle of the tournament I get a call from that piece of shit Sobchak telling me he 'refuses to roll on Shabbas'. What the fuck is Shabbas and why the fuck do I care."

Bowling alley patron who would only give his name as "Dude" said "I told him to just relax, man. Come over to my apartment and do a J with me. I got this new carpet that I think really ties the room together."

Local bowler Donny Kerabatsos, attempted to add "I think Burkhalter does a hell of job putting this league together. I just wish other people..." he was then told by a passing patron to "shut the fuck up."

A number of articles that I have read today.Off the top of my head, three of them that I want to comment on.

 

First an article from CNN about the CERN project in Europe, http://www.cnn.com/2009/TECH/11/11/lhc.large.hadron.collider.beam/index.html. I read it and part of it jumped out at me:

"Another fringe theory holds that the LHC will never function properly because it is under "influence from the future," according to physicists Holger Bech Nielsen and Masao Ninomiya. They suggest in recent papers that no supercolliders that could produce the Higgs boson, an as-yet-unseen particle that would help answer fundamental questions about matter in the universe, will work because something in the future stops them."

"This also explains the "negative miracle" of Congress canceling the Superconducting Supercollider project in Texas in 1993, Nielsen wrote in a paper on arXiv.org, a site where math and science scholars post academic papers."

I had to read it four times. I firmly believe that we haven't even scratched the surface to solving the mysteries of the universe and I bet that if it were all laid out for us our tiny little brains couldn't even comprehend it. But these guys have some incredible theory that is best described as science fiction.

I didn't go to the arxiv site yet to find this paper but if I'm not mistaken these two guys are talking about someone or something from the future going back in time to stop the supercollider from working. Now I'm not that smart (surprising, huh) and I know these guys have some kind of advanced degree from some university, but they came up with time travel? And they are getting paid, and I bet pretty good, to come up with this. I want a job where I can sit around and come up with theories from Star Trek to solve all of life's mysteries. 

The second comes from the UK Daily Mail via the Drudge Report, http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-1226672/Asteroid-scrapes-past-Earth-just-8-700miles-away--15-hours-warning.html. 

The headline on Drudge said "Asteroid passes just 8,700miles from Earth - with only 15 hours warning". Scary stuff right. At first I thought "8.700 miles? That's not close." But in the whole relative to the size of the universe thing I guess it is. So I read the article. Here it was a rock the was 23ft in diameter. If this thing were to hit the earth it would have burned up before hitting the ground. Boy I thought we were in trouble. Why Drudge puts this on his site I have no idea but it almost looks like he is having a tougher time finding interesting news to post.

Third, and this may be the best, I found on AOL news. http://news.aol.com/health/article/navy-veteran-richard-ramsey-has-sex/761734. The headline reads "Navy Veteran Richard Ramsey Has Sex-Change Operation at Age 77". On Veterans Day this is what we get. Not an article about the men and women who serve this country but an article about Dick had his thing cut off to become Renee. AOL sucks.

 

New York, New York - On the 40th anniversery of Sesame Street one of it's original stars is coming clean on his feeling towards Elmo. "It's been a lot of years but I finally feel that it is time to get something off of my chest. I can't stand that fucking Elmo." said the skinny purple monster with the big pink nose. "When all this started I was the main monster on the street. It was the 70's, a fantastic time. Disco was big and I was king. Then the 80's hit. Along came that high talking red piece of shit. Looking back on it, when he moved onto the street, that was the worst day of my life."

Maria Rodriguez, co-owner of the Fix-It-Shop, recalls the changes that took place once Elmo arrived. "Everyone just loved little Elmo. With that cute high voice. The way he laughs when you tickle him. That cute red butt. Everyone just thought he was adorable. Well everyone except for Grover. He began to hang out by himself, driving that taxi of his at all hours of the night. I remember one time Elmo needed a ride to the airport to go to one of his new product releases. Grover refused to give him a ride in his cab. I believe he told him something like 'Why don't you hop a ride on that goddamn Big Bird. let min cart your self important ass around."

Grover went on to say "She wants a cute red ass, take a look at this." He stands, turns around and bends over. "Here look at this. That little red fuck has given me a great big case of the red ass."

When asked about Elmo's love of tickling Grover responded "Hey I liked to be tickled too. Everyone thought he was just better at it. I would beg to be tickled but no one wanted to do it. They all wanted to tickle Elmo, with that stupid laugh. You know I have nightmares about that laugh."

"Yeah Grover liked to be tickled too." said Maria. "There was just one problem. When you did it he got an erection. And not just a small one but a full on poke your eye out one."

When confronted with the accusation of an erection, Grover says "Sure I got a hard on. Hard not to when you have someone hands rubbing all over you. I think this just proved that I was more entertaining. What do you want. A red fur ball that just shakes and laughs or a monster with a little something extra for you. Think about it."

Washington - Included in the House Health care bill is a provision for end of life counseling for the terminally ugly.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said "This was an important part of the House proposal that would help trim the overall cost of the plan in the long run." She went on to say "The terminally ugly are a drain on society in general. By providing an end of life solution we can begin the process of ridding society of the ugly.".

The House plan would allow an ugly person to attempt to rectify their situation until they are eighteen. At that time the end of life counciling would begin to take place. A panel appointed by the president would decide If a person would qualify as being ugly.

Rep James Clyburn (D-SC) said "People need to make an effort to get themselves presenatable by the time they are eighteen. If they can't do it by then, I think it would be time for them to go.".

Also included in the provision is an exclusion for all Congress members and there families. "This was put in so that Rep. Henry Waxman (D-Cal) and his family would not be affected." said Pelosi.

Pelosi also said that a provision for end of life counseling for the incredibly stupid was considered but was abandoned due to the fact that it would include way too many people.  

South Bend, In. - Notre Dame head football coach Charlie Weis admitted after the shocking defeat to Navy that is game plan is made up of smoke, mirrors and general all around bullshit. "Any idiot can make this stuff up. It's a shame that every week I'm being judged on this but this is what I have done my entire career. It is just now that I'm being exposed.".

Weis went on to say that "We were able to beat Navy last year with this game plan, who knew that this year Navy would examin that plan and create an attack that would be able to beat it. I just figured that they would play along and help us out."

When asked if he planned on making any adjustments for Pittsburgh next week, Weis replied "I'm going to use the power of my Super Bowl ring and try to blind the opposition with it's stunning brilliance." With that he walked off the stage and yelled "Just remember, I'm still the coach of Notre Dame!".

After the press conference Weis was spotted talking with Father Vivian O'Blivion. Father O'Blivion was later asked what he was discussing with Weis. He replied "Charlie asked me what would Jesus do with the game plan. My reply was 'Jesus may not be an expert on football but I think he was smart enough to realize that he may want to put something in to stop the run up the middle.'" Asked if Weis had a response he said "He looked at me, smiled and said he would think about that. He then showed me his super bowl ring for what to have been the four hundredth time."  

New York, NY - Last night member of the New York media called for the dismissal of New York Yankee manager Joe Girardi. "It is inexcusable that this man still has a job." said New York Post sports writer Nathan Spinaldi. "This team has a $200 million payroll and they didn't sweep the Phillies? What's up with that? They need to do something and do something now. This is an embarassment to this great city."

Mike Penoilli of the New York Free Press wrote "Maybe they should give Girardi one more chance. Next season, if this team doesn't have the AL East rapped up by the end of April then a change has to be made."

Owner George Steinbrenner was asked about the thought of firing his manager after winning the World Series. His reply was only "Daaa Buuuu Doooooooooo ouuuouuououuuuu". He then motioned for his nurse to help him wipe the drool from his chin.  

Boston, Mass. - Researchers at Harvard today released a study that show 3 out of 4 women aren't impressed with men that have a "Little Captain" in them. 

"We have found that most women don't want a man with a little captain in them. As a matter of fact we found that women would rather have the captain in them." said Arthor Sellars, lead researcher.

Mr. Sellars went on to say "Women seemed to be put off by the idea. They said that men who said they had a little captain in them seemed to be walking funny and were kind of 'swishy'. One subject replied 'I wish men would realize that I want the captain. I need the captain'. Another replied 'Hey if they can't give me the captain then I got one at home that is twelve inches long and three inches wide. Like to see one of those drunk assholes beat that'." 

Sellars also went on to say that for his next study he will be researching if women prefer a little captain or the "Titan Missile" captain.

 

Youngstown, Ohio - Thousands of mothers from across the country rushed today in a paniced stuper to make sure that there little princes and princesses got vaccinated for the H1N1 flu virus.

At Martin Luther King Jr. Elementary school over 400 children lined up to receive their free vaccine. One mother was asked why she felt she had to rush out get her child vaccinated for what has turned out to be just a strain of the common flu. She replied "Obama told me to gets my kids vaccinated, so dats what I'm doing.".

Another mother, Jasmine Washington, was asked what she had to pay to get her five children vaccinated. "Nothing. Obama be just givin this stuff out for free.". When asked  how Obama was paying for all these people to get the shots she replied "I don't know. I think he got a drug factory or somethin'. He's Obama. He's here to help and protect us.".

It was then that the crowd began chanting their saviors name over and over. "Obama, Obama. Obama."

In Washington today, Health and Human Services Secretary, Kathleen Sebelius, continued to encourage American mothers to get their children vaccinated as soon as possible.

"We need to make sure that every child in this country is immunized from this life threatoning disease. The sooner we get this done, the sooner everyone will realize that the government can manage something successfully."

When asked when she plans on getting her children immunized she said "We have not been instructed by Mein Fuhrer, oops I mean the President as to when he wants us to have this done."

Later we were told that her official response is "No comment."   

 

JOHNSON CITY, Tenn - A local man, Jim Stevens, was shocked today to find out that the image he believed to be Jesus that appeared on his truck window was really that of local gardener Jesus Lucio. The real Jesus said through a translator "It was a joke. The man never washes his truck so I thought I would stick my face on it and see if that gets his attention. Guess it did, along with a few hundred other religious zealots.". 

Local librarian Susie Reynolds said that she figured Jim would have gotten the hint about six months ago when someone wrote "WASH ME" on the tailgate. "You think that would have done it but no it took a Mexican gardener to blow on his window to get his attention." said Ms. Reynolds.

 Asked if he thought about getting his truck cleaned now Jim was quoted as saying "Why rush it. It might rain here any day now. Besides, I always had a thing for Jesus the gardener, now I can turn to my left and see him everyday."

 

I've never seen a team get ripped by the media one minute and then called the greatest ever the next. After the Yankees lose game 1 everyone was talking about how it was over. If you believed what you read, when a team wins game one they almost always win the series. Game 2 - Yankees win, now it's a whole new series. Forget game 1, forget that the Phillies get three at home. Girardi is now a genious. Game 3 and 4, more of the same. Game 5, Phillies win,Yankees are done. Girardi is going to be fired, why would he pitch a pitcher on 3 days rest. Never mind the fact that the Phillies one both games largely due to the performance of one pitcher. And now the Yankees go back home and have to face what was one of the most dominant pitchers in the game (when he wasn't on the DL). Could you imagine if the Yankees lost last night. The media would have portrayed it as the world ending. Yankees were by far the best team out there and in a seven game series one or two games don't matter as much as some people would have you believe. Did they buy the series - yes. But they did what a team with a $200 million dollar payroll is supposed to do. Win.